Three-Year Old Theology: Re-Mastering Basics

Eva continues to have some serious interest in talking through Bible stories and theological concepts with me, much to my delight. :) Her recent questions involve understanding what Christmas is all about, and why Jesus was born a baby and then later on died, and where Jesus went when he went back into heaven after His resurrection. I can never tell exactly how much she is understanding, but at random times she will ask me a specific question about a detail that surprises me with what she must be digesting from our conversations. It is fascinating to watch her little mind connect the dots, and I realize that because of her I am being pushed to both simplify and deepen my own theology when explaining these eternal concepts to her.

I've recently decided that three-year old theology just might be a favorite topic of mine! It makes enough sense at this age to include details, names, places, and to string together the main pieces of the OT narratives with the NT life of Jesus into one big story that talks about God. But it still has to stay simple, be woven together, and stay focused on the main point. And I keep being amazed that Eva basically asks all of the same questions about faith and God that most adults do, just without any pretense, baggage or cleaned-up words. She just wonders aloud about the usual suspects when it comes to faith - like why Jesus died, why she can't see Him now, why kings in the OT were bad, why God got mad at people in that city, how God made oceans, why there are more church then just hers, what pastors do, and how Jesus is God and also was a baby. It's basically her mind trying to wrap around the key concepts of trust, prayer, faith, the trinity, theodicy, sin, the church, death and the resurrection. Which we as adults are all still trying to wrap our minds around most days, I think.

But much deeper than having fun telling her the stories, and more important than smiling when she wants to pretend she is baby Moses in the river, I am keenly aware that telling her about Jesus needs to be backed up with actions and experience. Maybe it is the Pietist in me, but I already know that Eva doesn't need to memorize the Sunday School answers or recite back names and dates. She doesn't even need to just be able to explain how Jesus died and rose again at Easter, key as that knowledge is. I want her to be amazed by it all, to feel the potency of a God who was born under a bright star as a baby and loves her, HER. I want her to know that she can talk to God any time, ask questions about her faith, and to see connections between her everyday world and the stories about faith. I want her to feel loved and comfortable in church, knowing she is welcome and treasured and that God meets her there. I want her to feel safe and valued by this big strong God, and also recognize the mystery and majesty of this one true and Great King. I want her to see her dad and me pray, ask for forgiveness, handle relationships with patience and grace, work through
discipline and relationships and life with the joy of the Lord and the strength that the Bible promises.

And here is where I am challenged and so encouraged by three-year old theology. I know that this theology needs to be consistent, focused on the main things, and not just a head game. I know that she is watching and soaking up life every minute, and that I don't always actually practice a relationship with God or to the world like I tell her about. And in a unique way, I am more driven to re-master the basics of my faith because of this new young audience member, more driven than I have ever been to write a brilliant paper or to appear to have leadership and maturity for my professional or personal life. This is my daughter's story of faith that is being written. Thankfully it is not all up to me to be perfect, to know it all, or even to shape her faith. It is up to me to remember these basics, to have help along the way from others, to model and practice the ups and downs of the life of faith and let her learn from and with me, and to try to access that childlike faith and joy that I see in her eyes when we read the stories. What a gift that the same God that I've known for thirty years is reminding me, through this sweet little girl and her wide-eyed interest, that it is really still about the same stuff it has always been. I can rest and also give over much of the other stuff, in my own faith and in my mothering, I have realized. Unless its the basic practices and connection to the story of Jesus that I want to make sure Eva sees acted out and explained, unless its really the big stuff, the most basic stuff really, I can let go of the clutter.  


Peter and I watched the enigmatic movie, "Tree of Life," tonight. It is an unusual movie in many ways, and the pacing and plot are very, well, un-plot like and different than a usual Hollywood production. But its a deeply theological story that opens with a quote from Job ("Where were you when I created the heavens and the earth?"), and that threads whispers from characters asking questions of God throughout the movie. It artistically opens up categories like the meaning of life, suffering, control, faith, goodness, beauty, nature, grace, love, family, brotherhood, marriage, and childhood in very unique ways. I enjoyed a lot of it, and it got me thinking; Tree of Life, in its own way, is trying to answer these same, three-rear old theological realities that are so hard to grasp. Why does God seem to let bad things happen? Are we in control of our lives, or is God? Are we rewarded for being fair, just, and hard-working, or is life capricious? Do goodness and love and grace really win out in the end? Why do we do what we don't want to do? Are we alone, does God listen to us for real - and how do we know? How do we get back to the innocence of childhood? How do our families and their implied patterns and explicit tensions shape our lives? How do we recover from grief, pain and loss?

At one point in the movie near the end, a central child character realizes that the anger and frustration that he's been struggling with has lifted. He apologizes to his brother who he hurt, he comforts another sibling, makes overtures toward his stern father, and somehow the cloud is lifted. The voice-over at this point is poignant; his childlike voice says, "I didn't know how to name You then. But I see it was You. Always. You were calling me."

I could have said that exact same thing about my understanding of God at five years old, and at fifteen, and again when I was twenty-five. And next year, when I turn thirty-five, I can still testify that I continue to circle through this reality of not always recognizing where God is, and wondering if I am heard, if I am seen, if I am enough - and then it comes to me. I find the words, it becomes clear - the truth of God always being with me, and always calling me, becomes real and experienced in my own story once again.      

I love that...

... every night at bedtime, after Eva and I read two stories together, she wants me to sing her a specific sequence of songs. First, it's (a short version of), "Chim - Chiminey;" second, it's "Feed the Birds;" and then the grand finale is her favorite, staple, always and seems ever will be the last song she wants - "Baby Mine." She visibly relaxes when we get to the last song, closes her eyes, sighs out loud dramatically, clutches her lambie and looks up at me so gratefully from her little bed. Then she gives me a big sloppy kiss, then a cute little nose kiss, and then she turns over under her covers and says, "Good night Mommy, I play with you in the morning."

I love this little girl. I love that she knows the words to each of these songs. I love that she sings "Baby Mine" to her babies when she's playing. I love how tender and sweet and creative she is, and how all those things flavor our bedtime rituals. I love how she scrunches up her nose for a nose kiss and then giggles. And I just love that I get to be her mom. :)

    

Moving - and Finding Home...

Last weekend we made the official leap over to our new apartment, a few doors north of our previous one. With the help of some friends and cute short people running around underfoot, we hauled all of our big pieces and much of our small stuff up the road (thanks again helpers!!)  We had been moving over bookshelves/books, artwork, ktichen stuff, etc. before this weekend, but now - we really live in our new digs. As in, we sleep, shower, and have most of our life set up over here. And so far, we like it. We have plenty of work left, including continued cleaning and unpacking and moving in both spaces - but, its been pretty fun so far and our new apt is MUCH larger and fits our life really well.

Eva loves her new bedroom and has slept through the night without any trouble in her new big girl bed! woo hoo! She is, however, waking up a little earlier and starting her signature call for us; "Can you hear me?  Hello - can you hear me? I am awake! Let's play!" Her room is now definately a big girl room - no baby stuff, a full dresser full of big kid clothes, dresses hung up in her own closet, her cuddly toys in her own little bed - no dual space use in her room either. The only time I got nostalgic while making this move was when we started packing up her old bedroom, the office turned baby-space that we so carefully painted, hung up pcitures in, built her crib and stocked it with diapers, in. It kind of hit me that we brought her home to this empty room crafted so carefully and then she became part of our home/family after that. When we first brought her home it felt so foreign and like an experiment! Who is that bundle laying in that other room? Now, every move we make, she will make it with us and define a lot of where and how we set up home. Kind of crazy for me to think about.

Overall Eva's done great with all the moving transitions, but she did have one meltdown the day after all the excitement of the move that kind of broke my heart. She had been going back and forth between the two apartments while we moved for about two weeks now, and after her first night over here in the new space, was fighting a cold, a little whiney, and I think unsure of what else was going to change. She started crying at breakfast over nothing, and then said, "I want to go Home!" I said, "Babe, we are home, remember? This is our new home where mom and dad and Eva all live togeher." (For awhile ther was confusion about if we would all stick together for the move, so I thought I'd reinforce that again.) Then she said, "NO, no, no, I want to go HOME." And I said, "Where is home, babe?" To which she tearfully exclaimed, "I don't know where home is! I am just sad."  :(  Here is where I started to cry a little and both Peter and I did some hugging and holding and then played in her new playroom together for awhile. She recovered fine, but the poor girl reminded me that having everything change and feeling unsure about where you belong is a tricky thing. I can't imagine kids who have to move a lot, or never get to be grounded or steady somewhere - like in refugee camps, shelters, or even on base camps or on the road all the time. We all adapt in some ways to any kind of move, but in a fundemental sense, HOME is where we are safe, secure, connected and loved. And what surrounds us physically in whatever space we're in reinforces and helps define that sense of home. As we set up this new space called HOME I am reminded of that - and so grateful for this space that helps shape our home and the people that fill up our sense of home.

Ok, back to unpacking. :)        

Summer Fun List '10

We've had a busy and fun start to the summer. So much so that I am not taking photos, blogging or reflecting much about it lately. But that is a good problem... I will update photos and other fun snippets for grandparents soon :) - but in the meantime, I thought I'd quick post the "fun summer list" that has been in my head this past month. I finally jotted it down last week and its been kinda fun to see what we've already accomplished and what we hope to still make time for this summer. I am in a phase of needing to write down details, plan ahead, and make good use of intentional time and relationships - hence, a summer fun list! (Plus it doesn't hurt for me to see things crossed off and associate some accomplishment with a jumbled up summer schedule.) Here is what we're doing - or hoping to do - this summer in the fun category (I also have some impressive "to-do" lists, but those aren't as, you know, "fun.") If you want to help make our fun list come true, lemme know and we can have fun together! :)

Fun Stuff for Summer List:
 Visit the Library
Fly a Kite
Visit the Beach
 Go to the Zoo
Go to the Children’s Museum
Go Camping – with Eva? Without?
Visit a State Park/go Canoeing at park or in the city
Take a long bike ride and picnic
 Play Nerts - lots
Play an outdoor lawn game we haven’t played before
 Plant flowers on deck/backyard space with Eva
 Take a (big) boat ride on Lake Michigan
Find a friend with a (small) boat on Lake Michigan
See fireworks
Go to a new discount/thrift store
Go to garage sales in our hood or Evanston
 Make homemade popsicles
 Do crafty-something-super-mom-ish with Eva
Play softball
Go to Ravinia
Do something at a Covenant Camp
Go to Chicago Fire Game and/or Cubs Game
Visit Shedd Aq
Go Dancing at Night
Train for and/or run a 5k (by October do the actual run)
Do Karaoke
Go swimming in a pool for first time with Eva
Do gymnastics with Eva
 Take Eva to dance/music class
Pick fruit/veggies from a garden
See at least two movies in the theater
Date night seeing a play/musical/performance/downtown
Paint one room in our apt.
Find great salsa/pico de gallo recipe – make it
Make at least 2 kinds of cordials/liquor for the fall
Visit somewhere new that is nearby – MI vineyards, or WI somewhere…
Go bowling
Play mini-golf
Watch Mary Poppins, Music Man and/or Sound of Music as a family
Go to Farmer’s Market
 Volunteer at church event/community event as a family
Try one new neighborhood restaurant
Read (at least) one great fiction and one great non-fiction book
Find new devotion/reflection book to use ongoing
Record something for fun with friends (singing, piano, etc.)
 Have fun grandparents weekends planned with both families
 Pick out fabric/clothing design for handmade Eva outfit
Spend quality time with a friend from out of town who I don’t see enough
 Spend quality time with a friend in town who I don’t see enough
Enjoy a campfire/backyard fire
Go to street festival/neighborhood carnival
See the view from the Sears Tower
 Take Eva on the el/bus ride

Why I Did All This School

Today we had the rehearsal for my commencement from GETS that will take place this weekend. Walking into the historic and beautifully ornate chapel where the ceremony happens, taking our turns walking onto the massive wooden stage, and trying on my very own cap, gown and hood brought the reality of this whole educational experience to the forefront.

I am graduating. For real. I am done with my eight years of Ph.D. studies. I have completed the classes, language studies, papers, readings, discussions, proposals, exams, quizzes, etc. etc. – I even defended my dissertation. Well. I’ve TA’d in several graduate class, and have even taught an undergrad course twice now. I am – honestly and legitimately – fulfilling this stage of academic preparation, critique, and study. I did it, something that I considered doing and dreamed of doing for – well, a decade or so. Something that I honestly wasn’t sure I could do at various points along this journey.

If I sound incredulous about this milestone, it is because I am. I can’t really believe it most days. And between the mental tiredness post-dissertation, and the fuzziness of still being on the job hunt and having regular life rush by me, there are days I stop and wonder, did I really do this? Am I really – done? Which is often followed by – okay, even if this is for real, what do I do now?

It makes me think back to why I considered this degree in the first place. How I listened to wise people like Burton Nelson who explained that I would love this place, and learn a lot, and could contribute to ethics and to the church. How I jumped into my classes with so many ideas and opinions, was hungry to learn and discuss, had a lot of confidence in my positions and papers. How then I slowly adapted my opinions, integrated complexities and newness into my comfortable stances, and added healthy doses of uncertainty, worry, feeling overwhelmed and under-qualified. And how I was always, always, motivated and sustained in this academic land by my work in actual churches, by ministry in the city and with practitioners who also loved the church and loved God’s huge dreams for its purpose. I did all this school, ultimately, because I love the church, flaws and gaping holes and all, and I have found my home and my family in the church. I did all this school so that I can keep building and serving, and being served by, the church, and so that the rest of the world can see the church at its best and as God intends. I did all this school out of love, really. (And maybe an over-developed drive to achieve. :) ) Being done with this chapter of school in many ways does not change my drive to affect the church, my hopes for it to be at its best, my frustration at its failures, and my motivations for doing ministry. It does substantially change my time, and hopefully will also open up some new spaces and ways I can do ministry. But at some level, I did all this school, and will keep doing whatever I do, for the same simple reasons. Sometimes simple is better.

Eva (my two year old), is very excited about me being done with school. At least, as much as she understands what we are celebrating this Friday, she seems very excited. She came with me for the first time to campus two weeks ago while I had to pay my last tuition bill and drop off a copy of a paper. As I guided her down the marble hallway and explained that we were at momma’s school, she looked up at me with big eyes and asked if she should use her quiet voice in here. I smiled – yep, you guessed right girl. Tall ceilings and echoing halls and lots of adults means quiet voices for small children. We paid my bill while she charmed the cashier and got a piece of candy. I stopped by a professor’s office to drop off something and she repeated over and over that the guy wasn’t here, we had to leave the paper, would the paper be okay? Then I showed her the lake on the east side of the campus that I loved to walk by – we even spotted ducks and geese, to her glee – and we ended with my ritual walk through the Shakespeare and prayer gardens.

We were maybe on campus for one hour, total. Not only was Eva very sad when we had to leave this fun new destination, I was unprepared for how much it meant for me to walk around my campus with Eva in tow. While I was giving my kiddo the tour, it hit me that all the hours I spent here, all the days holed up in my favorite carrel in the library, all my walks around the gardens and along the lake path, the hours in the bookstore, sitting in well-visited classrooms with clanking heaters in the winter and humid sticky chairs in the summer – they had passed. These spaces did not boundary my life anymore, instead this little girl marks my days.

And it was so fitting, so good and fulfilling, to walk around my school with her and explain, using two-year-old logic, what I had done at that place for so many years. Why I went to school to learn more about God, and how Jesus loves us, and about the church. Why I loved the pretty windows with their stone arches, and why I visited the garden every time I was on campus. Why there was organ music floating down the hallway, and why there were books everywhere. Eva nodded as I explained my school, asking questions, repeating some things. I walked slower with her then I used to walk on my own. I noticed stairs, mud, fast bikes whizzing by and bird droppings all as potential hazards with my new mommy-vision. I explained where we were going, what to look forward to, and what happened on this campus with different language then I had ever even thought for myself before. Here is where we read books, here is where we eat, here is where teachers work and teach us in classes, this is the lake where you can take a break and learn while you’re outside. Explaining theology for a two year old is difficult, but also really fun, I’ve decided.

When I talked about how at school I learned about Jesus, and how much he loves us and the whole world. she started to sing. “Jesus Loves Me this I know…” came her sing-songy little girl voice. And that’s when I started to tear up. I think she understood why I went to school perfectly.

What I've Been Up To....

Number of totally edited, formatted, organized, super-citation filled pages that I just turned in to my PhD Advisor: 266 (not even counting the 15 "extra" pages!)

Number of hours I have slept in the last three days: 9

Number of showers I have taken in the last three days: 1

Number of cans of Diet Dr Pepper I drank last week: between 36-40

Number of (homeade by Peter!) sugar cookies with chocolate frosting that I ate for breakfast: 2

Number of days until my scheduled defense that I am pretty nervous about: 10

Number of days that I will probably not be online in the future so that I can sleep, see Eva, see Peter, eat, sleep, shower, go outside, clean up my office, sleep...... priceless

WOO HOO!!!!

Honest Motherhood - Advice from the Younger Me

My first list that I just posted was very cathartic to write out - things as a mom I would go back and tell myself. It's been interesting hearing everyone else's thoughts on the topic too. I have another list that has been in my head, though this list took longer to develop. I think that is because it took me longer to recover/remember certain aspects of this pre-mommy self of mine, and now that I am listening to her a bit more, it's very helpful to hold both of these lists together in my head. Here it is:

Things My Pre-Mommy Self Hopes to Remember to Tell My 'Self' Now:

- You still need to make time to have fun.
- You still need to make time to enjoy 'alone time' with Peter.
- You still need to make time to shower (let's just start with the basics.)
- It is still a good idea to go out late at night, dance, do karaoke, meet friends, etc. now that you have a kid (aka, using the power of babysitters.)
- Use babysitters more then you think you should/can afford to; it is worth it.
- Keep working out regularly; it is harder if you take a break to get going again.
- You can still listen to adult music with your kid in the car; she will probably even like it.
- You are still going to be a night person, even if your kid is not.
- You are still going to like to drive fast, sing loud, laugh a lot, and get deep with people; do these things often, especially when you're worn out from the mommyhood stuff.
- Keep making lists and plan out your time/day as much as possible. It will help save your sanity. Sadly, your memory is going to get worse, so roll with it - and write down stuff even more!
- Find fun moms to learn from/hang with; don't feel bad for not hanging with moms you don't gel with.
- Remember how you saw yourself before you had a kid - strong, together, fun-loving, change-seeking... you still are all those things, and more.
- Go get a pedicure - now!
- Also go get a martini/drink with some friends - now!
- Don't wear ridiculously ugly but comfortable clothes in the name of 'being a mom.' Just don't.
- Don't ever be tempted to leave your intellect, leadership, humor or call to ministry at the door of mommyhood; even if other people seem to act like those aspects of you have withered and died just because you gave birth to another human being, tough it out and prove them wrong. Because they are wrong.
- Call your favorite girlfriends more, to talk about everything or nothing... Call them right now, actually.
- Get yourself back in the game in places that feel harder to be in as a mom... whether its job hunting, or traveling, or school work, you should still do those things that you did before. You might have to plan them out differently, but still do them!
- Save your cute shoes that don't fit sometimes due to pregnancy/swelling - you will be able to (and will want to) wear them later.
- Explore outside, take trips, haul your kid to the lake/museum/jazz club sometimes even if it takes more work. That is what you've always done!
- Go easy on yourself, ask for help when you need it, and take each day full of the good and bad as it is.
- Be creative - whatever is life-giving, whatever is balancing for you and P and E, try it out, change things up, and be patient while you figure out what works for everyone. Balancing needs and wants for two adults and one kid is hard work - but you can do it.
- Banish guilty feelings that crop up when you consider doing any of the following: going out, having fun, getting coffee by yourself, doing most anything by yourself, spending money on good underwear, leaving your child with a sitter, working part time, working full time, staying home, bringing your child with to things, not bringing your child with to things, letting her watch tv, turning off the tv.... you get the idea. Just work to ignore those voices from everywhere telling you how to be a mom; choose the few that matter and be your own kind of mom.
- Your kid is really cute! And she's happy, loves you/P, and is growing in all the important ways. So remember to relax and enjoy the mom thing, bumps and all, while you're in the midst of it all. You're doing great just by being you.

Honest Motherhood - Some 'Backward' Advice

Things I Wish My Mommy-Self Could Go Back and Tell My Pre-Mommy Self:

- You should appreciate sleep more. A lot more.
- You should also appreciate going to the bathroom, doing email, getting dressed, and eating - by yourself and when you want to - more.
- You have a lot of free time right now, even though you always feel pressed for time.
- You also have a lot of time to spend with your husband and friends. For example, what women with kids call 'date night,' you currently do most nights of the week.
- You have a relatively clean house/room/office/stack of papers right now, even though you sometimes wonder if things will ever stay organized; you probably won't ever be this organized later on.
- You should be nicer to your body/health; it will get more worn down and have more asked of it than you can understand right now (even considering your occasional all-nighters.)
- As well as appreciating all that you have right now, know that your life as a woman without kids is still very valid, very full, and very meaningful. When other women doubt this, reaffirm this truth to them as well. As you have always suspected, you do not need to have children in order to be complete.
- If you do have children, it will be a BIG adventure, more things will change then you think, and it will call forth things from you that you had no idea you could do. Or would ever have to do.
- Keep hanging out with a diverse mix of people - single and married friends, women with kids and those without, both women and men, etc. Having different voices and perspectives help shape your expectations and your capacity - and lets you help shape theirs.
- You are in a great marriage and have a wonderfully supportive and wise husband; not every women is in this place, and not all will have the resources you will have as you (and he) transition into parenthood. Be aware of this, be grateful for this, and hold on to this gift tightly with both hands.
- Good job on the schoolwork, professional development, and ministry work that you've done thus far. You should sit back and accept the accomplishments that you have made as valid, important and part of who God has called you to be. (In other words, relax a little more.)
- Give parents with kids more slack, and suspend most (90%) of your judgments about how a mom/dad does this weird or doesn't do that the right way. Watching someone in a restaurant/mall/church for five minutes does not tell you anything about how they actually parent. Even hanging out with friends and family who have kids only gives you a glimpse into their real world. There are many good ways to parent; there are also many seasons that families go through and you are seeing only a teensy-weensy part of it.
- Tell moms and dads (when these are true statements!), that you like their kids, that you think they are good parents, that you notice they are juggling a lot well, that she looks good after having a baby.
- You can learn as you go how to be a mom. You do not need to research the hell out of it beforehand to know every possible outcome. There are many different ways to be a good mom; mostly Eva will teach you.
- Do not listen to voices that aren't helpful to you as a new mom. Pick and choose the encouraging ones, the ones that know you best, or carefully choose to hear the critical voices only if they are pointing out something that you need to hear for your health.
- Flat out ignore anyone who says that he/she is glad you're finally becoming a mom so that now you can become a real woman. Just ignore them.
- Make up funnier responses to the question, "Why haven't you and P had kids yet?" Consider working the phrases 'bird flu' and 'million dollar contract' into the answer somehow.
- Keep writing down stuff that you're thinking, experiencing, working through as you become a mom. Keep taking photos and do things to savor the present and keep time well.
- Keep talking and listening to your mom, your mother in law and your friends who are moms - and know that you will appreciate all of them in an entirely new light after you yourself become a mom. Certain things you just can't see until you're in it yourself.
- Be nicer to yourself in your own head. Here, I can help with some ideas - good job on taking that trip to Italy while you were pregnant, exploring Ecuador and South Africa and France and most of DC, and taking risks and being open to an unknown future. Good job trying to listen to God as life unfolds and jumping into projects, ideas and communities that call to you. Good job on nurturing your relationships, habits, knowledge and fun pastimes. Even if these things feel different in the future, the foundation you have made matters and the person you are becoming will rely on this past, as well as on your not-yet finished future.
- Having a baby will be really hard on you in some ways, and really life-giving and beautiful in other ways. In most every way it will forever change you. This may feel sad, or make you feel out of control - but try to believe me when I say that the baby WILL sleep longer, your body WILL feel better, your mind WILL clear up, and you WILL still be there when the smoke clears. Promise.
- The 'you' that you bring to motherhood will help shape the mother that you become; and the mother that you can't yet see in yourself will also shape the 'you' that you brought in. Trust that both of these women are amazing, powerful, and gracious women. Just trust it on the hard days.

Intentional in 2010

One of my fundamental resolutions for this coming year is to be more intentional. This has long been a high value for our family, but (not very surprisingly) it's taken on an even deeper meaning lately now that we have a kiddo and I've been on the job hunt for awhile. The recent past has reminded us that we aren't in control of much, that many times you have to react and deal with what is given you, adapt, live into plan B, and wait.

But even in the middle of waiting, transition, and adapting, I want to receive and respond to life intentionally. This is hard for me to balance sometimes - both accepting what is the present, and pushing for more in the future. Both adapting to changes thrown at us and circumstances outside of our control, and also working to set up plans and boundaries and habits that will help shape how we deal with all those circumstances. Actively waiting. Patiently persevering. You get the drift here...

I want to feel more like I have a focus, purpose and meaning in each day - even if it's a day filled with playdough, scanning online for jobs, diapers and trying to catch up with email. I also want to feel like we are striving for being who we were created to be. Not someone else's version of life. But what God asks of me, of Peter, of Eva to be just in who we are. I don't know all the details of how to do that yet, but I am actively tryng to think, reflect, write, and live into that reality this coming year.    

I hope to be blogging more on my 'professional/life' blog as well as this family blog, which is at http://www.livingtheology.net/. I also hope to be more intentional about parenting, family life, and sharing/learning from others of you in this same space. If you have ideas on this concept or can link me to those who do - please let me know. And help me along this year if you see ways to be more intentional and active, right in the midst of the waiting, the business of life, and the everyday. It feels like a tall order to me!   

Ah-May (Amen)

Eva is steadily learning when and how to pray. Before meals that include both Peter and I (usually supper), she will stop us when we both sit down by saying "ah-may, ah-may" (amen), while nodding her head. Then she points to one of us, usually me, to signify that I should start to pray. She holds her hands together under her chin, and watches us intently, sometimes whispering along while we pray. When we say "Amen," she says "ah-may" again, and about half the time, gets upset and points to the other person to indicate that she wants someone to keep on praying.

Once we went back and forth between Peter and I praying before our meal about three times each, because Eva was so upset each time one of us ended our prayer and stopped praying. That particular instance, I was having one of those days where I didn't feel like praying at all - much less over and over as an example for my kiddo. I remember that I started to get a little teary eyed as my 1 1/2 year old kept clearly telling her mom, then her dad - then her mom, then her dad - to keep praying. She listened and engaged with us during each prayer; she was not playing or distracted by something else. Who knows what she actually got out of the content of our prayers, but I sure noticed my own content. Slowly, throughout our mini-prayer-marathon, I moved from my beginning prayers of, "thank you for our food and our day and for our daughter," to praying things like, "Thank you that you listen to us all day even when the days are hard; help me to remember to pray more God; I need you more then I realize."

It felt very profound to me to be pushed to pray by Eva, and to be praying both for her, and for me, in a more genuine way before that meal. I realized that I don't always really pray from my heart like that when I pause for a cursory prayer before a meal; heck, we don't even always pause before every meal to pray. Except now, when we're with Eva, gathered as a little family with her pointing at us, whispering along and solemnly folding her hands, smiling and watching us, listening to our every word as we talk to God and talk to her - it makes me want to do it more.

Spilled Milk

It's been a hectic day full of prepping for leaving town for awhile, and Eva has been slowing me down (even more than usual). I am realizing, though, that I often forget how aware of things and how smart this kiddo is getting. Here is my favorite example:

This afternoon Eva was eating a snack on the floor in the kitchen (peanut butter, milk and popcorn, her new favorites.) I looked over to see her accidentally spill some "mick" on the floor after putting the cup up to her mouth to drink, and just as I was starting to whisk her up to put her in the high chair, where messes would be easier to control, she ran away from me. Purposefully ran away, carrying a dripping cup. More than a little perturbed, I firmly said, "Eva, come back, you need to sit in your chair now and not spill the milk." She wandered back next to me, and as I looked down, noticed she was holding our kitchen towel. Before I could pick her up to save future messes, she started to wipe up the milk from the floor!!! She looked at me and smiled as she cleaned up her own mess, and said, "ah-dow" (all done.) I broke into a huge grin and gushed, "You were helping momma clean weren't you? THANK you Eva, that was so nice! What a smart girl."

After I gave her a BIG hug for acting so grown up and helping, but before I got her up into her chair, she deliberately turned her same cup of milk fully upside down and made a HUGE mess of spilled milk on the floor. Then she handed me the towel. Sigh.

One and a Half?

We crossed another milestone last week; Eva is now 1 1/2. To me that sounds old somehow - which I think is more due to the fact that our little girl is fully a toddler and seems to have lept ahead in several kinds of growth spurts recently, all of which remind me how fast she's growing up.

Personality at 18 months:
- Eva knows what she wants and is more adept at telling us what that is. She yells often and speaks loudly to command our attention - but then easily adapts if you listen to her or talk with her enough so that she feels hears. She still yells back at honking horns or loud animals - maybe she will always be a fiesty "right back at you" kind of verbalizer. :) That would be kind of fun.

- Evy also does her fair amount of falling apart into tantrums for now real discernable reason - but is usually distracted into being happy again by stickers, songs (especially Old MacDonald Had a Farm,) or fun fruits. These are magic bullets people!
- Eva has intense looks! Strangers in stores will point out how cute she is, AND how cold and steely her glare is. She does the glare for lots of reasons, I can't always figure out the why - but it does communicate volumes! Her looks now tend to match her feelings and gestures/words much more.

- Eva will take a bath, jump in a pool, play with water or in water, splash with a bowl full of water - do just about anything with water for as long as we will let her. HOURS in a pool and this girl loves it. Dumping water by little spoonfuls (and large bucket-fuls) over the side of the deck - never gets old.
- Eva is much stronger lately, pulling herself onto chairs, shelves, couches, beds, up and down her nightstand and window ledge- whatever she can manage to get access too. She is also more sturdy on her feet when she does climb up and down, and is also almost always excited to be chased, swung, twirled, danced with, thrown around, etc.

- Eva likes being tickled! (Which is good news for her tickle-happy dad.) If you start to tickle her, say rubbing the bottomof her foot, when you stop, she will lift her foot up in front of you and say, "go, go, go" until you tickle her again.

- Eva understands my basic discipline and limits I tell her; not that she always obeys, but I can tell she knows at least 90% of what I tell her and she follows complex directions or requests easily. She wanders away when we are out together, but looks back to check for me. Sometimes she will run farther then I told her she could, and then stop to see me come get her and tell her no.

- Eva is genuinely delighted to see us (me and Pedro) lately. She will wake up in the am/after naps or come home/see one of us return back home and literally pump her arms with full force, or squeal in delight, or run over and forcefully give us a leg hug, or smile super wide and jump into our arms for a squeeze, usually all while chattering and talking Eva-speak to us. It is amazing to me how cool this reaction feels as a mom; such genuine feedback and connection from this little girl! Love it.

No doubt about it, she's getting to be her old regular little person!

Language Development*

Favorite new phrases:

- mow, lee (more, please)

- go, go, go, go, go (when she wants to go - mainly leave the house for the park or car)

- noo-ow (no way)

- yum-um, yum-um (yummy, or I am hungry)

New words:

- uh - uhp, uh - uhp (up, up)

- ow... ow-tuh (out, out)

- caw (car)

- coh (cow)

- moo (moon)

- wah-ow (wow)

- stick (stickers)

- ah-boo (apple)

- choch (clock)

- chram (grammie-grandma)

- doe (door)

- bah-bah-bah (lamb)

- yee-a (yeah)

- poo, poo-uhl (pool)

- bah/buh-boo (bath - keeps adding words for this one!)

- ah -may (amen)

- ah-do (all done)

* I could write a whole chapter surrounding just this area of 'language development;' it would include emails I should not read from 'linguistic specialists' who scare moms of toddlers, emails I should not read from moms who try to compete with the universe through their kids' early language skills, and my own surprise at being affected by Eva's quirks in her timeline for this developmental area. But, suffice it say, I've been happy to hear her reading, talking, pointing, and listening to more and more words each week. I think she is probably soaking in a lot about her world right now, as she should be, and will not be destined to remain in special ed her whole life, despite not speaking in short sentences by 12 months (as one of the aforementioned emails enticed me to believe.) Sigh. :) Being a mom is nuts sometimes, nuts!

I have lately returned to being able to notice and encourage her word acquisition and growing comprehension, but chill out about the speed and accuracy with which she connects it all together. So now it's fun to reflect on how she says words and which words are common in our house, because already her vocab is so different then it was a few months ago.

It feels good to stop and reflect/remember who she is lately, and who she seems to be becoming. I now understand why parents always say 'they grow up so quickly' - I think time is forever different when you nurture a little person literally from their entrance into the world into becoming a walking, talking, hugging, school-attending, school-graduating, home-leaving person of their own. I never got that before Eva! Ah, I have a one-and-a-half-year old. :)