Celebrating "Us" - Lucky 13

Today September begins, and we inch one step closer to school starting, work and church fall programming ramping up, and summer winding down. I am ready for fall and ready to end the record-hot weather and humidity we've been having - what a summer to be preggo!

This weekend also marks thirteen years of being married to my best friend, of being wedded to one of the best people on the planet, and to figuring out life's ups and downs, promises and struggles with someone else next to my every move. I was reminded this weekend, when we went on our simple but precious anniversary adults-only dinner and evening walk, that my everyday, ordinary, thirteen years with this man have been pretty amazing. Sometimes in this stage (let's call it mid-thirties), I have looked around and been frustrated with where I am, have felt behind or off track or, say, pregnant and under-employed (theoretically, of course.) :) Sometimes I have heard people talk about promotions or plans or pursuits and wondered, did we miss something? Those people "over there" seem to have "that stuff" figured out, and I wonder, do we? We still rent, we parent well but often with questions, we only sometimes get healthy food on the table, we usually don't vacuum every week, we forget laundry in the dryer, and I don't always get out birthday cards. We still talk about our dreams and have good friendships and deep conversations about the big stuff, but we also grieve, we are tired more than we used to be, and we can forget to ask for help. I can compare myself to a whole range of folks who seem to get various different categories down better then I do, or who seem more grown up or together or ahead in some way. All this means that I sometimes forget where I am, and what I already have.  

One certainty that I am feeling more strongly about the older I get, even with the questions that remain (and yes they do), is that Peter and I - we are really good at being, us. In the same way, I am really good at being just me, but I still suck at trying to be a lot of other people. And even though when I was eighteen years old, when I started college and met this blond guy in black jeans in the biology labs of North Park, I would have confidently told you that I KNEW who I was and would never get stuck aiming to be someone else - that is still something I have to remind myself of now, here in my thirties. :) Somehow that blond guy has been a constant in every sense of the word since those freshman days - alongside and around me, ahead of and for me - helping me be me, helping make us an "us," this entity that is true and solid and rooted and thoughtful and so much more than we were before on our own, even as we are still independent and distinct within our "us."  

So - here is to celebrating who we are, who we've been and the everyday stuff that we ARE good at being. Here is a reminder (to me), that even on days that I don't know what I am doing, I can still just try to be me, and still learn, and I still have an amazing partner next to me to do that with. Here is to the stuff that makes us, US, and that I am so proud of, so blessed by, so grateful to have in our lives. And here is to a man, husband, daddy, provider, thinker, nurturer, lover, protector, striver, believer, risk-taker, learner, friend - my favorite - who I know is a gift from God in my life, in this rich and amazing and sometimes confusing life that I get to have.

Celebrating Us:            
- dancing in the kitchen and laughing, a lot
- conversations about everything, news updates, changing the world
- safe spaces for questions and others in pain
- tickling Eva in the mornings and cuddling every evening
- books and hot drinks and quiet shared next to each other
- bike rides and beach trips and camping and cabin trips
- museums and exploring and downtown adventures and travels
- adventures and risks and trying things out
- gardens, nature center, oceans and lakes, sunsets and beauty
- love letters, reading cards in the aisle, long emails, hidden notes 
- family and friends, inherited stories and changed futures
- small groups, dinner dates, homemade drinks, West Wing
- justice dinners and gathering people, real and casual connections
- walking home for lunch, checking the doors for me, getting up with Eva at night
- parenting and discussing and wondering and learning 
- grading tests and writing papers, deadlines and trading sleep
- road trips and conversations with mix cds and holding hands
- wrapping up and soft eyes and strong hands and long nights
- resolving fights and apologies and growing and changing
- making pancakes and sharing coffee, cooking and taking out the recyling
- worshiping and praying, wondering and challenging
- Eva on our shoulders, parks and gelato
- Italian food, African culture, the symphony, bowling
- healing wounds, being cracked, phone calls with friends, grief and loss
- lists and goals, ideas and movement, hope and growing deeper
- Chicago, Minneapolis, Michigan, Minnesota
- volunteering and helping, pitching in and focusing on the other
- authentic trust, deep abiding love, tender-hearted empathy and support
- Eva sandwich, running together, "hatching eggs" in the morning
- strength in grace, solid and honest listening, "what kind of people do we want to be?"    

Feels Like Summer!

June has been flying by - and before we head to our first pool trip of the summer, I wanted to remind myself of great family times we've been enjoying this spring-summer season. More to come I am sure, but if I don't record the little stuff, it seems to slip away...

- Eva finished her first year of preschool at NPCC Co-op, and loved it!
- I spoke at Cov Harbor's "Mother and Daughter Retreat," and loved it! Reminded me that I love teaching and preaching, and could try to take material from various sources I already have and interpret it for speaking. Was great fun to have Peter and Eva with me there too - Eva got on stage with me each time and wanted to sing the chorus of, "What you gotta be? I gotta be ME!"  Very cute.
- I also finished teaching a great Intro to Bible class - one of my most diverse and interesting, student-wise. I heard Cornel West speak at the NPU Justice Conference too - amazing guy. Lit the place up!
- Peter has a new job title: Business Systems Architect. It has a lot more work, meetings, and creativity attached to it - he is great at learning and organizing new info, he's done amazing at a full new job this season!
- Meghan had a baby shower! :) Little peanut and mom to be are looking good.
- We took a seriously long road trip to DC to visit baby Sofia and parents, and then trekked even further to Delmar Peninsula to camp at Asateague Island with Eva! Many more stories to come - including bugs, a beautiful baby, AC breaking, allergies to snap peas, Pittsburgh hotel, starbursts, summer play list, Polly Pocket dolls, Comm. Covenant Church, Devyn and Ryan super hosts, CRV rides, MLK monument, etc. etc.

Whew. I knew I had a lot to not forget. :)    

To My Four Year Old Girl

Eva Margaret, you turned four yesterday. We celebrated your birthday last weekend and had record high temperatures - wonder if we'll look back at pictures of you barefoot in the sun, blowing bubbles and in the sandbox, and always remember that this was the year you turned four? We've always had snow and ice at the end of March...

I've always loved watching you grow older, and resisted accepting what your age means at the same time. You are definitely more school-age girl than exploring toddler, more social butterfly than content to watch the action from the side. You've grown so much this past year, your little body, mind and soul. You're proud of buttoning up your 5 and 6T shirts on your own; your long arms, legs and torso continually make people guess you are much older then you are. You're getting into skirts that twirl, glittery nail polish and lip gloss, and like wearing my shoes, purses, and coats around the house. You don't like getting your hair brushed or having help brushing your teeth; a very common phrase around the house these days is, "I can do it myself." And in so many ways, you can. Your abilities grow like leaps and bounds, sprouting up and blossoming before our eyes.

Your little mind is catching everything lately, wondrous and clever and insanely logical for a barely four year old! You spelled m-o-m the other night in bed, as part of your drifting off to sleep, powering down your mind, routine. You asked how to spell "dad" and sounded it out on your own, repeating it twice before asking me the next question - was God sad when Jesus died? You're innately spiritual, connecting the dots between relationship and love and suffering and God in so many ways, and you want to know "why," "how," and "where" God is. I love seeing your mind grasp new information, like what animals are born by eggs and which grow in the momma's tummy - or what ingredients you remember go into pancakes or what directions we take to arrive at our destination. You have an uncanny memory and sense of place.

But even more then your leaps in knowledge, I love seeing your heart and soul grow. I see you watch friends who are kind or selfish and then wrestle with what to do; I hear you ask why some people are mean or why the robbers who died by Jesus didn't raise from the dead again. I hear you suggest that you could give some of your quarters to the hungry woman we met on the street, or to help at church. I know your struggle with feeling left out or hurt in some social situations and that sometimes you get so angry and defensive that you just shut down for the day. I see you smile and make up with friends too, accepting an apology or getting over your own guilt at a mistake. I wonder about how we are doing at stewarding this emotional capacity of yours, this intense empathy and well of emotion you carry around.

You come and tell us when you've done something wrong; sometimes its with the promise, "it's not that bad mom, it will be okay" - you are a natural negotiator. Other times you run and hide, or bury your face in my shoulder, feeling bad or nervous about what you've done. This week after quiet time you matter-of-factly came to tell me that you had cut your doll's hair - which is when I saw you had also cut your own bangs. You did a remarkable job, actually, let me trim the edges to even it out, and were happy with your hair being out of your face. You look even older now, the new hair darker brown and framing your cheeky face, your big earnest eyes sharing space with your long and layered hair now. You're such a beautiful girl, inside and out, and your expressiveness, bubbling joy, and flapping arms make you all the more lovely to look at.                      

A few weeks ago you made me "cards" of folded up paper and "read" the insides to me. My favorite one said, according to you, "Thanks for loving me mom, for giving me treats sometimes and not other times, and thanks that you and dad call me love bug." You wanted a birthday theme of butterflies and bugs, which I thought was perfectly girly and adventurous all in one, and you loved having bugs and raspberries on your chocolate birthday cake. We found an orange shirt at the thrift store that says "love bug" on it and its your current favorite. You tell me that you love me to the moon and back, all the way to Jesus holding the world in His hands and back, and to Canada and to the bottom of the ocean where the squid live really deep. How did you become so loving, so smart, and so funny so quickly?  

You teach me about being human each day, Eva M. You remind me to delight and see the world with wonder, to hug and hold and snuggle, to answer thoughtfully and to prepare things ahead of time, to have patience and to not raise my voice and to live out the words in my actions that I am trying to teach you. You remember everything we do or say, you mirror us at our best and sometimes worst, and you love your friends, your teachers, your godparents, your family - you love with deep and easy abandon. You try to tell jokes, try to add up things logically, and always want to see more friends and more people at the end of each day. You dance and sing by yourself and with us, turning the kitchen and your bedroom into miraculous performances, making up stories and relationship and drama each day. You like driving fast, having your window down in the car, and listening to your favorite "car music." You're in love with gardening, most animals, learning about how your body works, legos, trains, dressing your dolls, puzzles, crafts, and biking. You will jump off any surface possible, run laps and race to every new activity, and refuse to enter a dark room by yourself (I get it.) You also ask when we are coming back if dad or I leave home, and ask to be reassured sometimes that we will be there again the next morning.

Tonight at bedtime, you went through your normal rituals, "Good night mom, love you, sleep tight." Then you added, "Mom, I will never leave you, ok? See you in the morning."

Sometimes I love you so much that I ache little girl. I am so grateful and feel lucky that I get to be your mom; it's the best job in the world. I can't wait to see what the next year brings for your developing and beautiful little life. Happy fourth birthday my little love bug.    

Quoteables

"Baby you're a FIIIIIRE-Work, come on show them WHAAAAT you're worth...."  - Eva in the morning, from her bed, every morning when she wakes up


"What do you want to do when you grow up?" - Mom
"I want to be a ballet teacher, a mermaid, and a pastor!" - Eva