Three-Year Old Theology: Re-Mastering Basics

Eva continues to have some serious interest in talking through Bible stories and theological concepts with me, much to my delight. :) Her recent questions involve understanding what Christmas is all about, and why Jesus was born a baby and then later on died, and where Jesus went when he went back into heaven after His resurrection. I can never tell exactly how much she is understanding, but at random times she will ask me a specific question about a detail that surprises me with what she must be digesting from our conversations. It is fascinating to watch her little mind connect the dots, and I realize that because of her I am being pushed to both simplify and deepen my own theology when explaining these eternal concepts to her.

I've recently decided that three-year old theology just might be a favorite topic of mine! It makes enough sense at this age to include details, names, places, and to string together the main pieces of the OT narratives with the NT life of Jesus into one big story that talks about God. But it still has to stay simple, be woven together, and stay focused on the main point. And I keep being amazed that Eva basically asks all of the same questions about faith and God that most adults do, just without any pretense, baggage or cleaned-up words. She just wonders aloud about the usual suspects when it comes to faith - like why Jesus died, why she can't see Him now, why kings in the OT were bad, why God got mad at people in that city, how God made oceans, why there are more church then just hers, what pastors do, and how Jesus is God and also was a baby. It's basically her mind trying to wrap around the key concepts of trust, prayer, faith, the trinity, theodicy, sin, the church, death and the resurrection. Which we as adults are all still trying to wrap our minds around most days, I think.

But much deeper than having fun telling her the stories, and more important than smiling when she wants to pretend she is baby Moses in the river, I am keenly aware that telling her about Jesus needs to be backed up with actions and experience. Maybe it is the Pietist in me, but I already know that Eva doesn't need to memorize the Sunday School answers or recite back names and dates. She doesn't even need to just be able to explain how Jesus died and rose again at Easter, key as that knowledge is. I want her to be amazed by it all, to feel the potency of a God who was born under a bright star as a baby and loves her, HER. I want her to know that she can talk to God any time, ask questions about her faith, and to see connections between her everyday world and the stories about faith. I want her to feel loved and comfortable in church, knowing she is welcome and treasured and that God meets her there. I want her to feel safe and valued by this big strong God, and also recognize the mystery and majesty of this one true and Great King. I want her to see her dad and me pray, ask for forgiveness, handle relationships with patience and grace, work through
discipline and relationships and life with the joy of the Lord and the strength that the Bible promises.

And here is where I am challenged and so encouraged by three-year old theology. I know that this theology needs to be consistent, focused on the main things, and not just a head game. I know that she is watching and soaking up life every minute, and that I don't always actually practice a relationship with God or to the world like I tell her about. And in a unique way, I am more driven to re-master the basics of my faith because of this new young audience member, more driven than I have ever been to write a brilliant paper or to appear to have leadership and maturity for my professional or personal life. This is my daughter's story of faith that is being written. Thankfully it is not all up to me to be perfect, to know it all, or even to shape her faith. It is up to me to remember these basics, to have help along the way from others, to model and practice the ups and downs of the life of faith and let her learn from and with me, and to try to access that childlike faith and joy that I see in her eyes when we read the stories. What a gift that the same God that I've known for thirty years is reminding me, through this sweet little girl and her wide-eyed interest, that it is really still about the same stuff it has always been. I can rest and also give over much of the other stuff, in my own faith and in my mothering, I have realized. Unless its the basic practices and connection to the story of Jesus that I want to make sure Eva sees acted out and explained, unless its really the big stuff, the most basic stuff really, I can let go of the clutter.  


Peter and I watched the enigmatic movie, "Tree of Life," tonight. It is an unusual movie in many ways, and the pacing and plot are very, well, un-plot like and different than a usual Hollywood production. But its a deeply theological story that opens with a quote from Job ("Where were you when I created the heavens and the earth?"), and that threads whispers from characters asking questions of God throughout the movie. It artistically opens up categories like the meaning of life, suffering, control, faith, goodness, beauty, nature, grace, love, family, brotherhood, marriage, and childhood in very unique ways. I enjoyed a lot of it, and it got me thinking; Tree of Life, in its own way, is trying to answer these same, three-rear old theological realities that are so hard to grasp. Why does God seem to let bad things happen? Are we in control of our lives, or is God? Are we rewarded for being fair, just, and hard-working, or is life capricious? Do goodness and love and grace really win out in the end? Why do we do what we don't want to do? Are we alone, does God listen to us for real - and how do we know? How do we get back to the innocence of childhood? How do our families and their implied patterns and explicit tensions shape our lives? How do we recover from grief, pain and loss?

At one point in the movie near the end, a central child character realizes that the anger and frustration that he's been struggling with has lifted. He apologizes to his brother who he hurt, he comforts another sibling, makes overtures toward his stern father, and somehow the cloud is lifted. The voice-over at this point is poignant; his childlike voice says, "I didn't know how to name You then. But I see it was You. Always. You were calling me."

I could have said that exact same thing about my understanding of God at five years old, and at fifteen, and again when I was twenty-five. And next year, when I turn thirty-five, I can still testify that I continue to circle through this reality of not always recognizing where God is, and wondering if I am heard, if I am seen, if I am enough - and then it comes to me. I find the words, it becomes clear - the truth of God always being with me, and always calling me, becomes real and experienced in my own story once again.      

Advent, when the stars held their breath...

"Was there a moment, known only to God, when all the stars held their breath,
when the galaxies paused in their dance for a fraction of a second,
and the Word, who had called it all into being,
went with all his love into the womb of a young girl,
and the universe started to breathe again,
and the ancient harmonies resumed their song,
and the angels clapped their hands for joy?"

- Madeline L’Engle

Why I Did All This School

Today we had the rehearsal for my commencement from GETS that will take place this weekend. Walking into the historic and beautifully ornate chapel where the ceremony happens, taking our turns walking onto the massive wooden stage, and trying on my very own cap, gown and hood brought the reality of this whole educational experience to the forefront.

I am graduating. For real. I am done with my eight years of Ph.D. studies. I have completed the classes, language studies, papers, readings, discussions, proposals, exams, quizzes, etc. etc. – I even defended my dissertation. Well. I’ve TA’d in several graduate class, and have even taught an undergrad course twice now. I am – honestly and legitimately – fulfilling this stage of academic preparation, critique, and study. I did it, something that I considered doing and dreamed of doing for – well, a decade or so. Something that I honestly wasn’t sure I could do at various points along this journey.

If I sound incredulous about this milestone, it is because I am. I can’t really believe it most days. And between the mental tiredness post-dissertation, and the fuzziness of still being on the job hunt and having regular life rush by me, there are days I stop and wonder, did I really do this? Am I really – done? Which is often followed by – okay, even if this is for real, what do I do now?

It makes me think back to why I considered this degree in the first place. How I listened to wise people like Burton Nelson who explained that I would love this place, and learn a lot, and could contribute to ethics and to the church. How I jumped into my classes with so many ideas and opinions, was hungry to learn and discuss, had a lot of confidence in my positions and papers. How then I slowly adapted my opinions, integrated complexities and newness into my comfortable stances, and added healthy doses of uncertainty, worry, feeling overwhelmed and under-qualified. And how I was always, always, motivated and sustained in this academic land by my work in actual churches, by ministry in the city and with practitioners who also loved the church and loved God’s huge dreams for its purpose. I did all this school, ultimately, because I love the church, flaws and gaping holes and all, and I have found my home and my family in the church. I did all this school so that I can keep building and serving, and being served by, the church, and so that the rest of the world can see the church at its best and as God intends. I did all this school out of love, really. (And maybe an over-developed drive to achieve. :) ) Being done with this chapter of school in many ways does not change my drive to affect the church, my hopes for it to be at its best, my frustration at its failures, and my motivations for doing ministry. It does substantially change my time, and hopefully will also open up some new spaces and ways I can do ministry. But at some level, I did all this school, and will keep doing whatever I do, for the same simple reasons. Sometimes simple is better.

Eva (my two year old), is very excited about me being done with school. At least, as much as she understands what we are celebrating this Friday, she seems very excited. She came with me for the first time to campus two weeks ago while I had to pay my last tuition bill and drop off a copy of a paper. As I guided her down the marble hallway and explained that we were at momma’s school, she looked up at me with big eyes and asked if she should use her quiet voice in here. I smiled – yep, you guessed right girl. Tall ceilings and echoing halls and lots of adults means quiet voices for small children. We paid my bill while she charmed the cashier and got a piece of candy. I stopped by a professor’s office to drop off something and she repeated over and over that the guy wasn’t here, we had to leave the paper, would the paper be okay? Then I showed her the lake on the east side of the campus that I loved to walk by – we even spotted ducks and geese, to her glee – and we ended with my ritual walk through the Shakespeare and prayer gardens.

We were maybe on campus for one hour, total. Not only was Eva very sad when we had to leave this fun new destination, I was unprepared for how much it meant for me to walk around my campus with Eva in tow. While I was giving my kiddo the tour, it hit me that all the hours I spent here, all the days holed up in my favorite carrel in the library, all my walks around the gardens and along the lake path, the hours in the bookstore, sitting in well-visited classrooms with clanking heaters in the winter and humid sticky chairs in the summer – they had passed. These spaces did not boundary my life anymore, instead this little girl marks my days.

And it was so fitting, so good and fulfilling, to walk around my school with her and explain, using two-year-old logic, what I had done at that place for so many years. Why I went to school to learn more about God, and how Jesus loves us, and about the church. Why I loved the pretty windows with their stone arches, and why I visited the garden every time I was on campus. Why there was organ music floating down the hallway, and why there were books everywhere. Eva nodded as I explained my school, asking questions, repeating some things. I walked slower with her then I used to walk on my own. I noticed stairs, mud, fast bikes whizzing by and bird droppings all as potential hazards with my new mommy-vision. I explained where we were going, what to look forward to, and what happened on this campus with different language then I had ever even thought for myself before. Here is where we read books, here is where we eat, here is where teachers work and teach us in classes, this is the lake where you can take a break and learn while you’re outside. Explaining theology for a two year old is difficult, but also really fun, I’ve decided.

When I talked about how at school I learned about Jesus, and how much he loves us and the whole world. she started to sing. “Jesus Loves Me this I know…” came her sing-songy little girl voice. And that’s when I started to tear up. I think she understood why I went to school perfectly.

Honest Motherhood - Advice from the Younger Me

My first list that I just posted was very cathartic to write out - things as a mom I would go back and tell myself. It's been interesting hearing everyone else's thoughts on the topic too. I have another list that has been in my head, though this list took longer to develop. I think that is because it took me longer to recover/remember certain aspects of this pre-mommy self of mine, and now that I am listening to her a bit more, it's very helpful to hold both of these lists together in my head. Here it is:

Things My Pre-Mommy Self Hopes to Remember to Tell My 'Self' Now:

- You still need to make time to have fun.
- You still need to make time to enjoy 'alone time' with Peter.
- You still need to make time to shower (let's just start with the basics.)
- It is still a good idea to go out late at night, dance, do karaoke, meet friends, etc. now that you have a kid (aka, using the power of babysitters.)
- Use babysitters more then you think you should/can afford to; it is worth it.
- Keep working out regularly; it is harder if you take a break to get going again.
- You can still listen to adult music with your kid in the car; she will probably even like it.
- You are still going to be a night person, even if your kid is not.
- You are still going to like to drive fast, sing loud, laugh a lot, and get deep with people; do these things often, especially when you're worn out from the mommyhood stuff.
- Keep making lists and plan out your time/day as much as possible. It will help save your sanity. Sadly, your memory is going to get worse, so roll with it - and write down stuff even more!
- Find fun moms to learn from/hang with; don't feel bad for not hanging with moms you don't gel with.
- Remember how you saw yourself before you had a kid - strong, together, fun-loving, change-seeking... you still are all those things, and more.
- Go get a pedicure - now!
- Also go get a martini/drink with some friends - now!
- Don't wear ridiculously ugly but comfortable clothes in the name of 'being a mom.' Just don't.
- Don't ever be tempted to leave your intellect, leadership, humor or call to ministry at the door of mommyhood; even if other people seem to act like those aspects of you have withered and died just because you gave birth to another human being, tough it out and prove them wrong. Because they are wrong.
- Call your favorite girlfriends more, to talk about everything or nothing... Call them right now, actually.
- Get yourself back in the game in places that feel harder to be in as a mom... whether its job hunting, or traveling, or school work, you should still do those things that you did before. You might have to plan them out differently, but still do them!
- Save your cute shoes that don't fit sometimes due to pregnancy/swelling - you will be able to (and will want to) wear them later.
- Explore outside, take trips, haul your kid to the lake/museum/jazz club sometimes even if it takes more work. That is what you've always done!
- Go easy on yourself, ask for help when you need it, and take each day full of the good and bad as it is.
- Be creative - whatever is life-giving, whatever is balancing for you and P and E, try it out, change things up, and be patient while you figure out what works for everyone. Balancing needs and wants for two adults and one kid is hard work - but you can do it.
- Banish guilty feelings that crop up when you consider doing any of the following: going out, having fun, getting coffee by yourself, doing most anything by yourself, spending money on good underwear, leaving your child with a sitter, working part time, working full time, staying home, bringing your child with to things, not bringing your child with to things, letting her watch tv, turning off the tv.... you get the idea. Just work to ignore those voices from everywhere telling you how to be a mom; choose the few that matter and be your own kind of mom.
- Your kid is really cute! And she's happy, loves you/P, and is growing in all the important ways. So remember to relax and enjoy the mom thing, bumps and all, while you're in the midst of it all. You're doing great just by being you.

Honest Motherhood - Some 'Backward' Advice

Things I Wish My Mommy-Self Could Go Back and Tell My Pre-Mommy Self:

- You should appreciate sleep more. A lot more.
- You should also appreciate going to the bathroom, doing email, getting dressed, and eating - by yourself and when you want to - more.
- You have a lot of free time right now, even though you always feel pressed for time.
- You also have a lot of time to spend with your husband and friends. For example, what women with kids call 'date night,' you currently do most nights of the week.
- You have a relatively clean house/room/office/stack of papers right now, even though you sometimes wonder if things will ever stay organized; you probably won't ever be this organized later on.
- You should be nicer to your body/health; it will get more worn down and have more asked of it than you can understand right now (even considering your occasional all-nighters.)
- As well as appreciating all that you have right now, know that your life as a woman without kids is still very valid, very full, and very meaningful. When other women doubt this, reaffirm this truth to them as well. As you have always suspected, you do not need to have children in order to be complete.
- If you do have children, it will be a BIG adventure, more things will change then you think, and it will call forth things from you that you had no idea you could do. Or would ever have to do.
- Keep hanging out with a diverse mix of people - single and married friends, women with kids and those without, both women and men, etc. Having different voices and perspectives help shape your expectations and your capacity - and lets you help shape theirs.
- You are in a great marriage and have a wonderfully supportive and wise husband; not every women is in this place, and not all will have the resources you will have as you (and he) transition into parenthood. Be aware of this, be grateful for this, and hold on to this gift tightly with both hands.
- Good job on the schoolwork, professional development, and ministry work that you've done thus far. You should sit back and accept the accomplishments that you have made as valid, important and part of who God has called you to be. (In other words, relax a little more.)
- Give parents with kids more slack, and suspend most (90%) of your judgments about how a mom/dad does this weird or doesn't do that the right way. Watching someone in a restaurant/mall/church for five minutes does not tell you anything about how they actually parent. Even hanging out with friends and family who have kids only gives you a glimpse into their real world. There are many good ways to parent; there are also many seasons that families go through and you are seeing only a teensy-weensy part of it.
- Tell moms and dads (when these are true statements!), that you like their kids, that you think they are good parents, that you notice they are juggling a lot well, that she looks good after having a baby.
- You can learn as you go how to be a mom. You do not need to research the hell out of it beforehand to know every possible outcome. There are many different ways to be a good mom; mostly Eva will teach you.
- Do not listen to voices that aren't helpful to you as a new mom. Pick and choose the encouraging ones, the ones that know you best, or carefully choose to hear the critical voices only if they are pointing out something that you need to hear for your health.
- Flat out ignore anyone who says that he/she is glad you're finally becoming a mom so that now you can become a real woman. Just ignore them.
- Make up funnier responses to the question, "Why haven't you and P had kids yet?" Consider working the phrases 'bird flu' and 'million dollar contract' into the answer somehow.
- Keep writing down stuff that you're thinking, experiencing, working through as you become a mom. Keep taking photos and do things to savor the present and keep time well.
- Keep talking and listening to your mom, your mother in law and your friends who are moms - and know that you will appreciate all of them in an entirely new light after you yourself become a mom. Certain things you just can't see until you're in it yourself.
- Be nicer to yourself in your own head. Here, I can help with some ideas - good job on taking that trip to Italy while you were pregnant, exploring Ecuador and South Africa and France and most of DC, and taking risks and being open to an unknown future. Good job trying to listen to God as life unfolds and jumping into projects, ideas and communities that call to you. Good job on nurturing your relationships, habits, knowledge and fun pastimes. Even if these things feel different in the future, the foundation you have made matters and the person you are becoming will rely on this past, as well as on your not-yet finished future.
- Having a baby will be really hard on you in some ways, and really life-giving and beautiful in other ways. In most every way it will forever change you. This may feel sad, or make you feel out of control - but try to believe me when I say that the baby WILL sleep longer, your body WILL feel better, your mind WILL clear up, and you WILL still be there when the smoke clears. Promise.
- The 'you' that you bring to motherhood will help shape the mother that you become; and the mother that you can't yet see in yourself will also shape the 'you' that you brought in. Trust that both of these women are amazing, powerful, and gracious women. Just trust it on the hard days.

Intentional in 2010

One of my fundamental resolutions for this coming year is to be more intentional. This has long been a high value for our family, but (not very surprisingly) it's taken on an even deeper meaning lately now that we have a kiddo and I've been on the job hunt for awhile. The recent past has reminded us that we aren't in control of much, that many times you have to react and deal with what is given you, adapt, live into plan B, and wait.

But even in the middle of waiting, transition, and adapting, I want to receive and respond to life intentionally. This is hard for me to balance sometimes - both accepting what is the present, and pushing for more in the future. Both adapting to changes thrown at us and circumstances outside of our control, and also working to set up plans and boundaries and habits that will help shape how we deal with all those circumstances. Actively waiting. Patiently persevering. You get the drift here...

I want to feel more like I have a focus, purpose and meaning in each day - even if it's a day filled with playdough, scanning online for jobs, diapers and trying to catch up with email. I also want to feel like we are striving for being who we were created to be. Not someone else's version of life. But what God asks of me, of Peter, of Eva to be just in who we are. I don't know all the details of how to do that yet, but I am actively tryng to think, reflect, write, and live into that reality this coming year.    

I hope to be blogging more on my 'professional/life' blog as well as this family blog, which is at http://www.livingtheology.net/. I also hope to be more intentional about parenting, family life, and sharing/learning from others of you in this same space. If you have ideas on this concept or can link me to those who do - please let me know. And help me along this year if you see ways to be more intentional and active, right in the midst of the waiting, the business of life, and the everyday. It feels like a tall order to me!   

Good News, Bad News - it's all mostly good

The past week or so has been a whirlwind at our household. We've had visits with two grandmas - one bringing homeade dollie clothes (see picture), one bringing a suitcase that Eva likes to sit in! (see second picture) We've also taken some steps toward becoming first time home buyers (yikes!) and I (Liz) found out that a job I was really hoping would pan out for this fall did NOT work out (boo). Peter's work has ramped up as school starts again on campus, and I am newly job hunting, working on my dissertation writing, and learning a little more about historic Chicago bungalows and lawyer fees! We have a trip to Thailand to see my bro and sis in October to look forward to (yeah!) and of course Eva is changing every day. She is now into climbing onto everything, saying her 'alphabet' constantly (sounds something like "a, eee, ahh, yo, bee"), and being outside as much as possible. Whew - when I write it all out no wonder it seems like a lot. Some good, some hard - all of it seemingly "normal" these days.

I am grateful for all the good that is mixed in with the hard, and am trying to intentionally look at all of it lately. Peter and I have both been aware of how much we really do have, and how much there is to be grateful for, even in the middle of the unknown and the crazy parts! I wonder if this is more what this phase of adult life is going to feel like? Sort of catching up with what we can, adjusting expectations around each turn, mixing ordinary and extraordinary in the same breath, and reaching for balance each day? Like having fun at the dog beach Sunday afternoon and then coming home to do dishes and job hunt, or watching the sun brighten up Eva's little curls as she snuggles in my arms on the deck and realizing I am truly happy in that instant - and then the next instant having to wrangle her into her jammies while she's crabby and getting frustrated at all the loud street noise outside her bedroom window that is keeping her up at night. Huh - maybe this is real life now, maybe this is normal; kind of a wild, strange, unexpected and beautiful sense of normal - but I will take it.

Oh - one other thing - this Wednesday, my mom got tickets for us to go to a taping of Oprah! Good news! :) Summer is wrapping up a little crazy at our house - but yeah, there really is lots of good.

Summer Lovin,' Had Me a Blast

It seems like summer is flying by lately - August always seems to do that. We've had a lot of fun these warm months with our newly walking, chatting, happy toddler. And I've learned that as a parent, I definitely enjoy this age more than the newborn stage! It feels like we have this real little girl now - a changing, evolving, learning, responsive, facinating little person that shares every part of life with us. I am slow to adapt to change sometimes (this is funny in its understatement, if you know me well!), but I am grateful that I now feel like I am in a place where I can fully embrace that I am a mom, that I even like being a mom, and most importantly, I LOVE being a mom to Eva and I LOVE seeing Peter be her dad. :) Ah, growth.

I want to remember some of fun things that have shaped our summer and the ways that Eva is changing, so I am compiling some "summer favorites" lists/pics. Here are the first few....

Favorite "firsts" this summer:

- Dance Class ("Everybody Move" infant and toddler sibling class in Evanston), where Eva learned to twirl, sing the rain/thunder/lightening song, and chase her older friend Lily

- morning visits to the library (Budlong Woods) where she was more interested in the other kids than she was in the books

- swimming in a kiddie pool with friends (Izey) and at the cabin

- visiting the playground and learning how to slide down the short slide on her own; watching her love the swings and swinging alongside mommy or daddy

Favorite "everyday moments" from our urban summer life:

- Eva playing out on the deck and entertaining herself (inside her tent, playing hide and seek with mom, watching the puppy and two girls in the yard next door)

- Eva yelling back (loudly) at the ambulance sirens as they drive by outside

- Pointing at the many airplanes that fly overhead (our apartment is located under three routes for planes landing at O'Hare)

- Watching Sesame Street.org video clips when we're inside (Elmo, Destiny's Child, Fiest, and the LaLaLa Song are favorites)