Why I Did All This School

Today we had the rehearsal for my commencement from GETS that will take place this weekend. Walking into the historic and beautifully ornate chapel where the ceremony happens, taking our turns walking onto the massive wooden stage, and trying on my very own cap, gown and hood brought the reality of this whole educational experience to the forefront.

I am graduating. For real. I am done with my eight years of Ph.D. studies. I have completed the classes, language studies, papers, readings, discussions, proposals, exams, quizzes, etc. etc. – I even defended my dissertation. Well. I’ve TA’d in several graduate class, and have even taught an undergrad course twice now. I am – honestly and legitimately – fulfilling this stage of academic preparation, critique, and study. I did it, something that I considered doing and dreamed of doing for – well, a decade or so. Something that I honestly wasn’t sure I could do at various points along this journey.

If I sound incredulous about this milestone, it is because I am. I can’t really believe it most days. And between the mental tiredness post-dissertation, and the fuzziness of still being on the job hunt and having regular life rush by me, there are days I stop and wonder, did I really do this? Am I really – done? Which is often followed by – okay, even if this is for real, what do I do now?

It makes me think back to why I considered this degree in the first place. How I listened to wise people like Burton Nelson who explained that I would love this place, and learn a lot, and could contribute to ethics and to the church. How I jumped into my classes with so many ideas and opinions, was hungry to learn and discuss, had a lot of confidence in my positions and papers. How then I slowly adapted my opinions, integrated complexities and newness into my comfortable stances, and added healthy doses of uncertainty, worry, feeling overwhelmed and under-qualified. And how I was always, always, motivated and sustained in this academic land by my work in actual churches, by ministry in the city and with practitioners who also loved the church and loved God’s huge dreams for its purpose. I did all this school, ultimately, because I love the church, flaws and gaping holes and all, and I have found my home and my family in the church. I did all this school so that I can keep building and serving, and being served by, the church, and so that the rest of the world can see the church at its best and as God intends. I did all this school out of love, really. (And maybe an over-developed drive to achieve. :) ) Being done with this chapter of school in many ways does not change my drive to affect the church, my hopes for it to be at its best, my frustration at its failures, and my motivations for doing ministry. It does substantially change my time, and hopefully will also open up some new spaces and ways I can do ministry. But at some level, I did all this school, and will keep doing whatever I do, for the same simple reasons. Sometimes simple is better.

Eva (my two year old), is very excited about me being done with school. At least, as much as she understands what we are celebrating this Friday, she seems very excited. She came with me for the first time to campus two weeks ago while I had to pay my last tuition bill and drop off a copy of a paper. As I guided her down the marble hallway and explained that we were at momma’s school, she looked up at me with big eyes and asked if she should use her quiet voice in here. I smiled – yep, you guessed right girl. Tall ceilings and echoing halls and lots of adults means quiet voices for small children. We paid my bill while she charmed the cashier and got a piece of candy. I stopped by a professor’s office to drop off something and she repeated over and over that the guy wasn’t here, we had to leave the paper, would the paper be okay? Then I showed her the lake on the east side of the campus that I loved to walk by – we even spotted ducks and geese, to her glee – and we ended with my ritual walk through the Shakespeare and prayer gardens.

We were maybe on campus for one hour, total. Not only was Eva very sad when we had to leave this fun new destination, I was unprepared for how much it meant for me to walk around my campus with Eva in tow. While I was giving my kiddo the tour, it hit me that all the hours I spent here, all the days holed up in my favorite carrel in the library, all my walks around the gardens and along the lake path, the hours in the bookstore, sitting in well-visited classrooms with clanking heaters in the winter and humid sticky chairs in the summer – they had passed. These spaces did not boundary my life anymore, instead this little girl marks my days.

And it was so fitting, so good and fulfilling, to walk around my school with her and explain, using two-year-old logic, what I had done at that place for so many years. Why I went to school to learn more about God, and how Jesus loves us, and about the church. Why I loved the pretty windows with their stone arches, and why I visited the garden every time I was on campus. Why there was organ music floating down the hallway, and why there were books everywhere. Eva nodded as I explained my school, asking questions, repeating some things. I walked slower with her then I used to walk on my own. I noticed stairs, mud, fast bikes whizzing by and bird droppings all as potential hazards with my new mommy-vision. I explained where we were going, what to look forward to, and what happened on this campus with different language then I had ever even thought for myself before. Here is where we read books, here is where we eat, here is where teachers work and teach us in classes, this is the lake where you can take a break and learn while you’re outside. Explaining theology for a two year old is difficult, but also really fun, I’ve decided.

When I talked about how at school I learned about Jesus, and how much he loves us and the whole world. she started to sing. “Jesus Loves Me this I know…” came her sing-songy little girl voice. And that’s when I started to tear up. I think she understood why I went to school perfectly.

Some Common Eva Phraseologies...

Lately I find myself laughing - hard - at Eva's way of seeing and communicating with the world. (I also find myself getting irritated and wiped out by some of her two-year-old antics - but mostly, its pretty stinking cute!)

Some of these phrases I hear, literally, ten times a day, so I wanted to remember them and her funny little way of talking and interacting with our world. :)

"Okay, buh-bye, see you soon!"
(Said when she is going to leave, for any length of time, including going into her own room if I am still in the kitchen - for example.)

"Socks (or, baby/momma/drum/etc.), wuh-are you?"
(Said while wandering around the house and looking under things, or sometimes after she has hidden something and is purposely making a game of finding it.)

"Where did thot come from?"
(Said in a quizzical tone, whenever she is surprised by something being where it shouldn't be, including - today - wondering where the brightly-colored ear on a new toy came from.)

"Good night momma, love you momma, g'night, see you soon."
(Yelled through her closed door after I tuck her in for a nap/bedtime.)

"Oh Boy!"
(Said all the time, for obvious reasons.)

"Stop it, stop it," or "go away, go away."
(Said when she is being typical two year old and getting upset about something.)

"Dans with me, dans with Eva, in-si-ments, get insiments (instruments)!!
(Said many times a day, or whenever music is on, or she gets an idea for dancing or pretending she is something.)

"HI!! (Yelled full-volume to most strangers we see in the park/grocery store/or off of our deck. Then it's followed up by:) "What's your name?" (which is sometimes followed by:) "I Eva."

"Hi little toes, how are you? What's your name?"
(Said while crouched down on all fours, talking to my painted toenails, which she loves lately :). Yep, our daughter talks to toes.)



(This last photo is Eva playing a new 'instiment' with her dad, where they both make sounds into the "pipe" - aka, her toy broom handle. It's a fave game lately!)

Emotions and Imaginations

In the last few months, Peter and I have both noticed that Eva's emotional and imaginative sides are developing like crazy! She's always been pretty aware of emotions, noticing crying, sadness, scared feelings, or happy feelings very frequently for the past year or so. She quickly learned to recognize feelings she was having and declared them, and then moved on to noting emotions in other people, in tv characters, or even in her animals/dolls/toys. This later stage of making up feelings that inanimate objects have is a current favorite past time. One example happened at breakfast today:

While we were finishing eating together, Peter raised his bare foot next to Eva's chair and wiggled his toes at her. Then Eva proceeded to talk to Peter's toes, in her sing-songy, pretending voice:

Eva: Hi there (directed at the toes), what is your name?
Peter: I am daddy's toes.
Eva: Hi toes, I'm Eva. Are you hungry?
Peter: No, toes don't eat!
Eva: Oh, okay, are you sad? Let me give you a hug (followed by gently hugging Peter's foot - while Peter and I laugh uncontrollably.)

Another interesting development is that almost every favorite toy now has its own personality, feelings and a voice of its own in Eva's world, including puzzle pieces, trains, baby dolls, lambie, bouncing balls - sometimes even food! Also, it is often true that if we talk to her toys about going to sleep, eating, or getting dressed, she will respond much faster then if we just ask her. She will also have a conversation with said toy about doing said activity. She will also mercilessly mimic us in her conversations. For example:

Liz: Eva, it's time to take a nap sweetie.
Eva: Nap sweetie... come lambie, let's nap sweetie.
Liz: Is lambie tired too?
Eva: (directed to lambie, in sing-songy voice) Are you tired too sweetie? Nap sweetie? Good night sweetie.

Also, she turned to Peter the other day and said, "Daddy, what you thinking about?" THAT one was mimicing mommy. :)

I kind of love all these things that she is picking up and reflecting to us... we just have to keep being intentional about how we talk and emote around this kiddo!

(this picture is Eva's response when I said, "Smile!" with the camera.)

Memory Updates

There have a been a lot of neat things going on lately that I haven't had enough time to take photos of, upload, blog and reflect on, etc... Capturing my own memories is a good thing I've learned. Reviewing our photos reminds me of all the good fun life going on lately - we celebrated Ando's 1st birthday with champagne and fabulous friends, had fun with both sets of grandparents in town and most of Eva's aunts and uncles, enjoyed her second birthday with more family and several of her godparents in town, had my mom here to watch her for almost a week while I wrote and Peter was out of town for work and visiting his sis and bro in law, and then we drove my mom home and spent Easter in MN. Whew!

Some other things I want to remember that have happened lately include:

First off, check out Kate's blog post on Eva for some great shots of her with Izey, Ando and at her bday! Thanks godmomma for the online love :).

Second, check out smugmug (grandmas), to see a lotta new photos uploaded. Spring and birthday and... just life.

Third, some fave memories that happened recently that I want to make sure to remember....

* Last month we got to meet two second cousins of Eva's - Kaden and Grace - adorable and fun babies of Peter's cousins, Anna (and dad Audley) and Steve (and momma Beth).

* Eva had her first Easter egg hunt scavenging around my parents back yard! She loved it. And she got her first piggy bank for Easter too (a shiny blue piggie! good job Megs!)

* Eva routinely wakes up in the morning lately singing "Happy Birthday" in her crib. :)
* Her favorite morning ritual right now is watering the plants, which must be done by first pouring water from a cup into her watering can, and then watering each plant, one by one. (Peter found out today what happens if you fill up her watering can without her!)